Oprah Winfrey
243.
‘Be serious, Arcady! A merry
search is on for you, you know.
And not just in New Zealand – no,
the BBC, Fox News, Al Jerry – ’
‘Al-Jerah’
‘ – whatever. The global news
broadcasts your face without your views.’
‘But of the two, my face is better.’
‘Except when wearing bold-print hats
and matching collars made of letters
spelling ‘shame’, ‘disgrace’ – and that’s
when they proclaim your death. If they
knew you were still alive here – ’
‘May
I slip these off? These stanzas tingle
when your lips with mine commingle.’
President Bill Clinton: 'I’ve never served a King or Czar / in such a way with unzipped pants he / anointed me a tabloid star.'
‘Okay, I guess, but please – I worry
these escapades just cause delay
– my love! – that they postpone the day
this poem’s finished.’
‘One cannot hurry
the Muse. She likes it slow.’
‘I know.
O darling! But maybe I could show
your poem to some kind of literary
figure – the type that turns a crime
to profit.112 Imagine the monetary
benefits (I hate these rhymes) –
the cash! Arcady Robinson:
The Man Behind the Isle. Part One.
A True, but Incomplete Confession.
(Or should we ask for name-suppression?)
1421, by Gavin Menzies. '...books / that make one think some Chinese ships /
once sailed around this country’s hips / in 1421'
Imagine all those readers demanding
the second installment! The better half.
The judge will want your autograph
more than your neck!’
‘You’re misunderstanding
books. Shall I explain?’
‘Please yes – ’
‘It’s not that books aren’t bought unless
they’re finished first (for Byron
published all his works in parts);
but publishers these days require in
books those cabbalistic arts
that make one think some Chinese ships
once sailed around this country’s hips
in 1421;113 or Mona
Lisa has some trick persona
The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown. '...or Mona / Lisa has some trick persona / which symboligistic scholars / think denotes the holy grail'
which symboligistic scholars
think denotes the holy grail;114
or if a woman wears a veil
then freedom either must enthrall her
or appall her (nothing betwixt).
I couldn’t care less for politics.
I’m not an Indian with spices,
snakes or mangoes to bewitch
provincial readers. No artsy vices
such as drugs or guns enrich
my bio page. I lack the style
that lets a witty pedophile
be so adored.115 I know that Chopra116
is a fraud. And so is Oprah.
The Book of Secrets, by Deepak Chopra. 'I know that Chopra / is a fraud. And so is Oprah.'
And dragons, hobbits, ghouls, boy-mages
– yes, they work to mesmerize
the kids (and Rowling117 gets the prize
for feeding them their veggie-pages),
but I’m like MAF,118 with virgin greens
in need of certain quarantines
to stop invasive breeds of fancy.
I’ve never served a King or Czar
in such a way with unzipped pants he
anointed me a tabloid star.119
My country isn’t torn by war.
My dad was neither rich nor poor120
nor even my dad . . . ’
‘Why stop your raving?
Your lips are nicely misbehaving.’
The World is Flat, by Thomas L. Friedman. 'I’m not a pundit like that Thomas / of the New York Times, who sees / some universal homilies / in brief encounters abroad'
‘I’m not a pundit like that Thomas
of the New York Times,121 who sees
some universal homilies
in brief encounters abroad. I promise
this as well: There’s not a chance
in hell I’ll beat that racer Lance122
– so tell me, then! An honest query:
What publisher will publish one
who lacks the features necessary
to be a popular writer?’
‘You done?’
‘With what, my dear?’
‘Your ticklish talking.’
‘This poem has sailed. This poet is docking.’
– End of Book One –
112 These lines were composed before it was announced that HarperCollins Publishers, stooping perhaps to a historical low, planned to publish a book written by the former American football star O.J. Simpson, under their Regan Books imprint on November 30, 2006. Entitled If I Did It, the book is Simpson’s hypothetical account of how he would have murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman, both of whom were murdered in real life in 1994. O.J. Simpson himself was found financially liable for their murders in a civil trial in 1997.
113 Gavin Menzies, in his bestselling book, 1491: The Year China Discovered the World (Bantam Press, 2004), proposes that Chinese ships ‘discovered’ New Zealand after the Maori, but before any Europeans. Reviewing the book for the New Zealand Listener (‘The Chinese Colonisation of New Zealand’, January 2003), Michael King, New Zealand’s preeminent historian, writes that Menzies’s account ‘exhibits more false information and a more dishonest manipulation of evidence than any that I have encountered in a book issued by a reputable publisher. The book is, in short, a disgrace.’
114 In Dan Brown’s, The Da Vinci Code (Doubleday Fiction, 2003), the well-known painting, the “Mona Lisa,” is said to represent a self-portrait of Leonardo dressed as a woman – and that this androgynous characteristic was Da Vinci’s way of symbolizing the holy union between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. At a reading in Takapuna, when asked about Dan Brown’s book, Zireaux replied: ‘Dan Brown is an anagram for “Own Brand.”’ Two months later, during a private interview in Sydney, Zireaux was asked to elaborate. He replied: ‘The prophet Daniel was a symbologist, interpreting the fantasy dreams of Nebuchadnezzar, the writings of Belshezzar. Brown, of course, is the color of many types of wood, horses and most forms of human excrement. Make of it what you will.’
115 Most likely a reference to Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita (1955).
116 Deepak Chopra, also very much his Own Brand when it comes to promoting alternative health (with seven best-selling books, countless tapes, CDs, videos, etc), is ‘a modern day Rasputin,’ Zireaux once told this editor, ‘with Oprah as his queen.’ (see ‘On Meeting Zireaux in New York City,’ an article by this editor which appeared in the Slater Review, and the online edition of Listen Closely magazine, March 2007).
__________
The Poor Poet, by Carl Spitzweg, 1839
The opening stanza of my Res Publica, Book One appeared on this Immortal Muse site on May 10, 2011. And now, 274 days later, it ends with our fugitive narrator, Arcady, hiding out with his voluptuous Muse in Frank Sargeson’s old bach, the final line making it clear that our happy couple is locked — and “docked” — in the act of love.
The second book — which has been delivered to some very kind publishers (nothing like the industry hacks who serve as targets for Arcady’s closing rant) — follows the adventures of our stowaway, Mr. Sayeed, through Turkmenistan, Iran, Afghanistan, Russia, America, New Zealand, and finally, at last, to the tiny island of Res Publica.
The journey includes tales of love, jealousy, honor-killings, kidnappings, a wonderfully poetic execution scene, a gun-toting bandit-queen mother, and (as any good reader would expect) an island battle with a hermaphrodite accountant.
The third and final book, which tells the story of Arcady’s great crime, is in the process of being transcribed from my illegible notebooks (a masterpiece for the student of graphology).
The bards who traveled the towns and villages of Mesopotamia, singing songs of heroes and gods, were paid less for the quality of their poems than for the wealth (the lavish oblations, abundant dowries, copious banquets) generated at the event they attended. Nothing has changed. The cruise ship crooner receives more for a single night’s performance then a poet will earn for a thousand-and-one days worth of soul-breaking creativity.
The busker who juggles atop a pole in Sydney can pass around a hat. The woman in Gothic dress who paints herself all silver and stands like a statue in front of a shopping mall will find more money showered across her spread-out handkerchief than a poet receives in a royalty check.
Alas — no coin-filled cap have I
for you to feed, as Book One ends.
Just copies, signed, for you to buy.
(And don’t forget to tell your friends).
I’d like to thank the Immortal Muse site for posting my weekly stanzas and commentary. I’d also like to thank the superlative Radio New Zealand (particularly Adam Macaulay) and all the Tuesday Poets (with a special mention to Mary Macallum) for their generous support and encouragement.
And thank you, most of all, good readers.
Read from the beginning of Res Publica | Listen to the audio version (read by Stuart Devenie) | Buy a signed copy of the book
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